We discussed character. Pacing. Plot. Criticism. The process.

This is how we wrapped the first stage reading of a new play. This is how it begins.

I’m used to the microphone. I’ve been in radio forever. It’s the commercial voice over process that makes me feel like I slept through an entire semester of doing. I remember this feeling well. I can’t say certain words. I hate the sound of others. As an actor and radio personality, I am doubly cursed. Burdened with the insecurities of two.

One of my personalities should at least have the courtesy to buy the other a drink.

This weekend, I had the honor of reading one for my close friend and talented colleague, Gina Yates. I was there when this was a 24-hour one act challenge at the Howard Fine Acting Studio. Now, it is a full-fledged stage play. It’s all growns up.

We read for the first time on the patio at Robano’s in Toluca Lake, on a slightly uncomfortable August afternoon. Not even Ke$ha or Justin Bieber blaring from the outdoor speakers could stop it from happening. We read, we played, we laughed. Nearby patrons ate sandwiches without batting an eye in our direction.

A play was born.

“Nice office attire.”

You sign in on what is hopefully the correct sign-in sheet. There are 25 people ahead of you, way past their call times. You are early, because you like to think you are a professional. This means you have longer to wait.

You sit in your uncomfortable chair, in a room full of uncomfortable people in their uncomfortable office attire. You wonder what happens if that parking meter flashing “FAIL” suddenly starts working again.

Avoid contact with others. You will only psych yourself out. You will second-guess your presence here, and your existence as an actor at all. You will choke on fear. You will choke. Take out your iPhone. Pretend to be doing something. Anything. Pretend you belong.

And wait.

I had my first crack at doing ADR this week for SOLO The Series.

I squeezed into a booth with a mic, watching the playback, and replaced some of my original VO to match the scene. We recorded directly into Final Cut.

beep -  beep – beep – pause – pause – pause – ACTION

The fun part of the session was replacing the dialogue with completely different lines, and a new song. Yes, I sang – a cappella. Nothing reminds you how long it’s been since you’ve done any kind of singing until you do it without music. (It may be time to find a vocal coach.)

I had a great time with the show’s creator/star @JonathanNail. If anyone laughs at the finished product as much as we did, then our job here is done.

Recently, I was lucky enough to have four auditions in one week. Two of them were for two different roles for the same spot.

I make it policy not to change my look right after an audition, just in case I get a call back. Even though the longer I wait, I look less like my headshot, and more like this.

Luckily for my hair, I was not called back on any them. Congratulations, hair. You win again.

It’s funny how three words can say so much. How many people have had The Dream, only to sell it off years later? Many try – or don’t try – and the outcome is still the same. Eventually, the works of Meisner, Chekov, and Stanislavsky are sold to a local bookstore or carted off to Goodwill, closing another chapter of life.

No other type of printed work carries as much emotional investment as the acting book. From it’s physical condition we can determine exactly where an actor is in his or her career, with The Six Amazon Stages of a Used Actor.

1. New

Amazon: “Just like it sounds. A brand-new, unused, unread copy in perfect condition.”

Actor: “I’m going to be famous!”

2. Like New

Amazon: “An apparently unread copy in perfect condition. Dust cover is intact, with no nicks or tears. Spine has no signs of creasing. Pages are clean and are not marred by notes or folds of any kind. Book may contain a remainder mark on an outside edge but this should be noted in listing comments.”

Actor: “Maybe I should take a class.”

3. Very Good

Amazon: “A copy that has been read, but remains in excellent condition. Pages are intact and are not marred by notes or highlighting. The spine remains undamaged.”

Actor: “Exercises? What exercises? I thought those were optional. What chapter were they in?”

4. Good

Amazon: “A copy that has been read, but remains in clean condition. All pages are intact, and the cover is intact (including dust cover, if applicable). The spine may show signs of wear. Pages can include limited notes and highlighting, and the copy can include “From the library of” labels.”

Actor: “Maybe I should go back to class. Next month. Definitely next month.”

5. Acceptable

Amazon: “A readable copy. All pages are intact, and the cover is intact (the dust cover may be missing). Pages can include considerable notes–in pen or highlighter–but the notes cannot obscure the text.”

Actor: “I think I need a new agent.”

6. Unacceptable

Amazon: “Moldy, badly stained, or unclean copies are not acceptable, nor are copies with missing pages or obscured text. Books that are distributed for promotional use only are prohibited. This includes advance reading copies (ARCs) and uncorrected proof copies.”

Actor: “I hate this town.”

I think he did it wrong. Here’s how I would have approached the role:

1. Lose the tie. Ties are for grown-ups, and this scene requires something less sophisticated. I would have gone with a propeller beanie. And a lollipop.
2. Find a better physical destination. No one believes that you’re just sitting there, listening. Find something to do during the scene. Twirl a yo-yo, or shoot spitwads at other members of the House. Even blowing bubble gum would have been a better choice than sitting there, waiting for your line.
3. Think about your objective. Are you trying to get the Barack to yell back? To laugh? To offer you a beer? If you do not have a strong enough objective, then there is no reason for the line. And saying it just looks silly.

I finally figured it out. After 4 years in Los Angeles, I now understand how easy it is to break into the biz. Just do the following:

1. Rent Miss March

2. Watch it from beginning to end

3. IMDB the two lead actors

4. Cross reference the two directors and the two writers

5. Ask yourself, “Why?”

6. Pour yourself a drink

7. Open Final Draft

That’s awesome. But, let’s fix the one in L.A. first.

The latest took place last Friday night, at Avalon in Hollywood. Producers, directors, writers, actors, and hangers-on of the web TV movement turned out to celebrate… something. I’m not really sure what. Actually, it was a lot of “So, who are you? Great. By the way, have you heard about my new series?”

My favorite moment was the  bouncy little 30-something who approached me with, “Are you a content provider?” The conversation came to an amusingly abrupt halt when I said, “Um, no. I’m an actor.” Apparently, I’ve even been passed by web geeks on the food chain.

So, I had my $10 Jack & Coke. And I watched the Hollywood fringe drool all over the dance floor in its utter self-admiration.

Tubefilter could be better. It should be better. Here are 5 ways to accomplish that:

1. Host this in a venue where you can actually see and hear people. Lady GaGa is good for feeling people up in the sweaty darkness. Not for networking.
2. Preview all new series trailers on your website BEFORE the event. Give us time to actually watch them before we’re surrounded by alcohol-infused “Do you like my show? I shot it all on the Red!” nonsense.
3. Skip the Power Point presentation. Seriously? I have no idea what it was about. But, I’m pretty sure there was a slide that read “Conclusion.” Stop that.
4. Dump the VIP pricing. I was with 2 people that paid the $25 cover. Guess what they got that I didn’t for my $5? Irritated.
5. Don’t be afraid to give up the spotlight. Instead of Tubefilter taking the stage to talk about how great web TV is, and how great we are, and how great new media is, and blah blah blah – why not host an industry panel? Have 3 real movers & shakers take questions. A director. A writer. A studio executive. Take the lead in bridging the gap between the industry and the web movement. Show them how serious we are. Show them that this is the future of entertainment. Show them why they need to start paying attention. And show us why this is worth our time.